i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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