threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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