I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
