I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
