Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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