Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
