Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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