sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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