I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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