Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
two words: eviction party
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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