im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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