Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
