someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
