Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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