went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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