just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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