I could make wine with my vomit
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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