my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
