he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
