turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He has the fingertips of a God
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
