I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
