I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
