I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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