Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
