I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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