Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
