dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
