Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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