listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
