How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
