Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
