hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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