I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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