Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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