i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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