I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
