I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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