i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
