So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
