Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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