I wish my penis had an off switch
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize