i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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