I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
