that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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