the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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