I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
