I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
