The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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