is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
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