Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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