when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
