Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
