how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
