Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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