Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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