My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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