we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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