pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
