His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
