I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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