you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
