U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
farters have to be the big spoon...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
