She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
